During a recent low point, spurred on by yet another job rejection, a friend offered to give me a tarot reading with the hope that it would offer some clarity on who I am and also provide some hope for the future. When having your cards read, it is important to focus intently on one aspect of life (such as work and business, love, or family) and ask one question that you are seeking the answer to. Fed up and trying to cheat the system, I focused on both business and relationships and simply asked the question “will I be successful?”. Halfway through my reading, I told my friend that this is what I had asked, and they asked me to explain exactly what my definition of success was. That was when I started to struggle.
Happiness is never really a factor when we discuss success. I put this down to the world of the #Girlboss, her #Sidehustle, and the fact that, despite these words often appearing on pretty pink Instagram infographics, they put forward a demoralising, tiring, capitalistic ideology that monetary success is the only kind that matters. It places the onus for your success on your shoulders and blames you when you fall short. It is why there are articles about mad tech men who work 18 hours a day, and it’s why those articles are shared with comments such as “we can all learn something from this guy” and “there is no excuse to do less”. It is the reason why the concept of having a hobby stresses me out. For as long as I can remember I have linked my value as a person to my levels of productivity, hence my incessant need to never allow myself to take my eyes off the ball of career success. To be slow is, unfortunately, not within my nature: being able to say “I am soooooo busy”, or “I haven’t stopped!” brings me a sense of pride, like I am doing the absolute most and that this will undoubtedly bring me a successful life.
When the country went into lockdown and my life was forcibly put on hold, I realised that I had absolutely nothing to fill my time with. I started taking afternoon baths because, as it turns out, I don’t hate taking baths – I simply hated the idea of being unable to do anything, lying motionless in bubbly water. I had denied myself the pleasure of baths for 23 years because being in the bath meant not being productive. It didn’t take me long to realise that I needed to unlearn that being successful means never stopping and, actually, allow myself to enjoy the journey a little bit more. It turns out that a lot of my tarot cards were linked to the concept of opposition; they suggested there is an internal struggle, which we realised was probably because whilst my initial definition of success is always relating to money and my career, there is always that nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me I also want to have a successful relationship, successful friendships and, above all, be happy. By detaching the concepts of career and success from each other and understanding that success and happiness can come from other aspects of my life, I have allowed myself to spend more time doing the things that bring me genuine joy – daytime baths, dancing round my room with my headphones on full volume – and, with that, I have started to realign my priorities and redefine what I see to be a successful life.
This piece was written for The Drudgery newsletter.
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